Originally posted on LinkedIn on March 2, 2026. Read and engage with the original post here.
Early into my career as a Project Manager, I got some feedback that stopped me in my tracks. I had recently been assigned to the biggest assignment of my career, a true program with ~120 team members across 18 disciplines. I had spent the first month on the project spinning up the processes, organizing the team, driving requirements definition and planning and starting sprints. I thought things were going well. Until my 1:1 with the Director of Engineering a company veteran with power, influence and the ear of the CTO. He looked at me directly and said:
“You’re too nice to be a project manager!”
That hit like a ton of bricks. I felt like he was attacking me and my character, not just my performance. At the time, I strongly identified with “being a nice guy.” In my mind, people liked working on my projects because I didn’t yell, I was understanding when things went wrong and I didn’t demand folks work weekends. I cracked jokes during our team meetings, talked about the Steelers at the water cooler and tried to be a “man of the people.” Those are all great qualities, right?
Transparently, I didn’t handle receiving that feedback well. I didn’t ask for clarity on what he meant, or specific examples. I sort of just nodded, went quiet and was short with him for the rest of the 1:1. Not my best moment.
I went directly to a mentor of mine, Dave, who had a way of talking me off the ledge. He empathized that it probably didn’t feel good to perceive my character being called into question. And then he had me really evaluate the feedback. Forget how it was framed. What was the Director really saying when he commented I was “too nice?”
After taking a few breaths, I realized that I had assumed the feedback was about me, the person. What behaviors did they wish to address? After discussing with Dave, I realized it was likely accountability. I immediately texted the Director and we grabbed coffee. He explained that he felt our milestones were not clear and the impact of not making important technical decisions was not locked in. He was worried that I was more concerned with being too much a friend to the team and not holding them accountable. As we talked, I truly tried to hear him and the message landed.
What “Too Nice” Actually Means
When I really dug into the feedback, I learned it was really behaviors that were the root of the problem. It didn’t have anything to do with being nice per se. Here are some of behaviors that could lead to getting the “too nice” label:
- Not making expectations crystal clear
- Avoiding difficult conversations
- Not pushing back on unrealistic asks
- Taking on other’s work to avoid conflict
- Saying yes when you should say no
- Prioritizing being liked over being effective
- Masking the true state of things to “protect” the team
In the project I mentioned above, I was doing many (or all) of these things. Transparently, I was working with a very senior team with company veterans and part of me was a little intimidated. I also wanted the team to like me, so they didn’t give me poor feedback. This led me to avoid conflict and not showing up as a strong leader. I was calling this “being nice.” Really, I was just protecting myself.
The costs of this behavior can really tank a project, even if they are loaded with top performers:
- Projects slip because you won’t have hard conversations
- Team doesn’t grow because you won’t give real feedback
- Deadlines are missed because nobody feels accountable
- You’re exhausted from carrying everyone’s work
- People don’t respect you (nice ≠ respected)
- You feel inauthentic
So what changed? How did I reverse course?
The Turning Point
The conversation with the Director of Engineering, though painful in the moment was a turning point on the project for me. I could see clearly that we would likely fail if I didn’t make a change. I realized that being “too nice” was hurting the team. It was also hurting me, and limiting my growth potential.
It took me a while (and numerous conversations with people who knew me well and I trusted) to come to a very important breakthrough. I was confusing being nice with being kind. The difference changed everything for me.
Nice is about YOU. The desire to be liked. The avoidance of negative feelings. It’s inward and can be selfishness masked as altruism.
Kind is about OTHERS. Wanting people to grow and to succeed. Knowing that your feelings and comfort aren’t the only thing that matters. It’s outward and full of action with the intention of improving others.
What this means is that sometimes the kind thing to do requires having difficult conversations or delivering feedback that may be hard to hear. You may have some squishy feelings. The other person may initially get angry or emotional with you. This can be hard if you are hard wired with people pleasing tendencies. So you have to reframe.
Nice vs Kind (The Reframe)
Lets break down what a nice leader does vs a kind leader. And what are the specific results of both modes:
Nice Leader:
- Avoids conflict -> Problems fester
- Doesn’t push back -> Team builds wrong thing
- Takes on others’ work -> Growth stalls
- Gives comfortable feedback -> Performance stagnates
- Says yes to everything -> Project fails from overcommitment
Kind Leader:
- Has difficult conversations -> Problems get solved
- Pushes back respectfully -> Team builds right thing
- Lets people struggle and grow -> Team capability improves
- Gives honest feedback -> Growth results
- Says no strategically -> Projects succeed through focus.
When you are in nice mode, you are protecting your comfort. When you are in kind mode, you protect the team’s success.
Ironically, nice mode ends up making people more frustrated with you in the end. Especially when you are in middle management and the team feels like you aren’t protecting them from senior leadership enough, and the senior leadership feels like you aren’t pushing the team hard enough. I have been there. It’s better to start in kind mode from day one. Here’s how.
What This Looks Like in Practice
Here are a bunch of situations I’ve encountered and frankly, I’ve messed all of them up as a nice leader. I have also seen the benefits of being a kind leader as well:
Scenario 1: Unrealistic Timeline
- Nice Leader: “Ok, we’ll make it work” (then works weekends)
- Kind Leader: “That timeline isn’t realistic. Here’s why and here are the options.”
Scenario 2: Underperforming Team Member
- Nice Leader: Gives vague positive feedback, hopes for improvement
- Kind Leader: “Here’s specifically what’s not working and what success looks like.”
Scenario 3: Scope Creep
- Nice Leader: “Sure, we can do that.” (project balloons, nothing ships)
- Kind Leader: “We can do that, OR these other things. What’s the priority?”
Being nice is like eating candy.It tastes good in the moment, but in the long run it hurts your health. Being kind is like eating vegetables. It might not taste as great at first, but in the long run you become stronger and healthier. And just as you develop a craving for vegetables after having a steady diet of them, kindness will start to feel better not only in the long term but in the short term as well.
How To Make the Shift
Going from the daily Snickers to the daily carrot won’t be automatic, so it’s important to start small.
- Say no to an unrealistic timeline (with explanation of why)
- One piece of direct feedback (kind, not nice)
- A conversation you’ve been avoiding
The framework to ask yourself: “Am I doing what is best for the team, or am I trying to avoid discomfort.”
This requires some honest self-reflection, but if you start to look at your actions as a leader through this lens, the kind path will become apparent. And just like any new habit, it’s going to hurt a little at first. You might experience:
- Initial discomfort (body resists)
- Suprise (people respect you more)
- Projects move better
- You feel more authentic
- Energy increases (not depleted by people-pleasing)
The small wins will compound and bigger ones will result. And over time, kindness will become the default. You find out that being less nice actually makes people respect you more. You get the breath of fresh air that comes from being yourself and genuinely caring for and helping others. You discover that you are alot more powerful than you realized.
You don’t need to be mean to be a great leader. You don’t have to be harsh to move projects forward. You just have to care more about the team’s success than your comfort.
That’s not being too nice.
That’s being kind.
What is one kind thing you can do for your team this week?